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29 September 2006 at 18:49

das no end in sight

The fun in Piddledorf just goes on and on. By never having any kids of my own, I thought I could avoid ever dealing with childish petulance and narcissism, but for now I'm stuck with two senile rellies who unfortunately still have all their critical faculties, plus the usual German high-level OCD, overlaid with Retention Deficit Disorder.

I try to approach the whole situation as a Buddhist challenge. The only way to get along with these people is to suspend all your desires. Expect nothing from life, except food, water and sleep. So far I am practising the advice of my UnHeard Of guide, never (or rarely) reacting to all the little attempts at provocation.

Thanks to the good people at Somaloft™ I have the octuple-strength bliss pills to help me with this, and I have discovered huge reserves of patience. I'm so blissed on SSRIs that I drift happily through the stultifying boredom, the screaming by the deaf people, the awful kraut TV with the volume turned to 11. Without the pills I would have had to meditate day and night, just to avoid slaughtering the lot of them. I have only another 10 days of this before I can escape back to my secure little bunker in Berlin.

You though I was a nice person, but I'm probably as bad as the rest of them. Basically, I'm realising that these people, my family, are just not very nice people.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Of course, you knew they were basturns years ago! Spike their milk with the pills. Can I have some? They sound great! Ten days? Have you not got any rat poison in the Fatherland? Demand your inheritance toute suite and maybe they'll tell you to beat it! Why are you there anyway? It's not helping, is it? Hotboy  

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Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

I don't think you're very nice...  

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Blogger robmcj said...

HB - nothing helps here. Maybe the Erdinger, but you knew that.  

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm Katy,
from Syria,
and I'm 14 y.o

Hi, Everyone
I've studied English sinse this Autumn .
It's so hard Language!
I want like to meet boys and practisice My English with them.

Kiss!!  

~

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Post a Comment

28 September 2006 at 11:56

das HNT family fortune

There's no room to explain right now, but my family is surely the most dysfunctional on the planet.

There was a family meeting yesterday, where my aunt read her will and some people (not me) cried, and I tried to stay awake. She's as healthy as a horse, but basically the deal is that my brother and I will inherit a few tuppeny houses with sitting tenants, which nobody wants to buy. My luggage is 15 kilograms underweight, so I'm going to try and smuggle out some of the silver and crystal in my suitcase next week.

But I'm going to be rich anyway. You see, there's an old family secret, handed down through generations of gardeners, for a plant food formula that will double the size of your houseplants, almost overnight.

I've got some investors interested, so just as soon as I fix the bugs in this blog template (especial apologies to Firefox users), we can start production. I'm thinking of using the brand name "Beanstalk Gold".

And because the raw materials for the product cost absolutely nothing, all the money is profit. As long as I can flood the market before the conglomerates like Monsanto get wind of it, I'll be rolling in it.

In the photo, the black line shows you the difference between the normal size of the plant before treatment, and all the vibrant new foliage that appeared after one week's treatment with Beanstalk Gold™.

I'll share the secret formula with you, if you promise not to pass it on. Just click the image.



The formula has been tested outdoors too, and the people who live here have been enjoying the results from our vegetable garden.

I'd like to acknowledge my late uncle, who passed on the formula to me before he passed on himself.

PS - I'm not serious about going into business, but everything else is true. This is a freelance Taoist blog. So I try to make sure that every true story contains a wee lie. And every lie contains a grain of truth.

PPS - sorry won't be able to get to a PC on Thursday, so I'll need to catch up on my blogchums a few days later.





HNT_1

If you missed previous HNTs, you can access all the old half baked thursday posts here.

Blogger LEE ANN said...

Oooohhh bring me back a silver or crystal something! It will go perfect in my castle! :)

Looks like you have the secret all right!
Amazing fertilizer!

Happy HNT!
~xo  

~

Blogger Suze said...

LMAO. I would love to go in to business with you but it's more difficult for girlies.

Happy HNT Sweetie ;)  

~

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Aren't you supposed to wait till the woman is dead before the will is read out? And she read it out? And she got you back to the Fatherland for this? I look more German than you do. Can I play you in the movie? It's two castles, isn't it? Big fung castles paid out of the nazi gold! I'll bump off your brother and you can hand the deeds over to me. The eye of a needle and all that. Being loaded won't help you at all! Hotboy  

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Blogger lily said...

I have a few spare dollars I culd invest. But don't let me anywhere near the palnt, I have a brown thumb...

HHNT!  

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Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

I have a family secret too--
my father isn't circumscised.

www.crashtestcomic.com  

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Blogger Lelly said...

Bah! You've used this one before!!  

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Blogger Thruster MacReady said...

How much to rent your aunt's vacant house for my next movie "Thruster Comes Again"? We have a backer. We clean up afterwards. No debris, no stains, guaranteed.  

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Post a Comment

25 September 2006 at 23:34

das Piddledorf hause

Settling in now to the auntie's house in Piddledorf. She has started me on the beer-fat-and-cake based weight gain diet. My stomach thinks it's Christmas, and I'm well on the way to becoming a fat Scots bastard like some visitors to this blog. What a fortunate man! I even managed a tall glass of Erdinger weissbier yesterday, the essence of happiness.

Blogger Lee Ann said...

I am so jealous that you can be on a beer-fat-and-cake weight gain diet.
Sounds like you are fulfilling your vacation!!!!
~xo  

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Anonymous alastair said...

"A fat Scots bastard" ?

What's that?

Have you had a deep-fried Mars bar yet?  

~

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Piddledorf? What kind of piddling little place is Piddledorf? And Edinger?! Just when I've gone teetotal again and the weight is falling off! Maybe it's all balancing up after all. Have you meditated for five minutes today? That would help! Hotboy  

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Blogger robmcj said...

LA - that's only the good part. As you know, everything balances up, and I will blog the bad side soon.

alastair - a DFMB would definitely help, thanks for the idea.

HB - if it's going to balance up, I need to start doing double what you do. That's impossible. Piddledorf is exactly what the name suggests. I'll explain in a post.  

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Post a Comment

21 September 2006 at 11:28

das HNT quiz

Multiple choice question. This a picture of:

(1) my Berlin Mardi Gras hat.
(2) proof that jetlag is flattering.
(3) a Berlin church that was bombed in the war and never rebuilt.





HNT_1

If you missed previous HNTs, you can access all the old half baked thursday posts here.

Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

Im going with C and Im first hurray! I can see all the Europeans and Brits are waking up, and the Californians are still awake from the day before! (thats me)

HHNT  

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Blogger Suze said...

I like the idea of it being a hat, although a heavy one but I think it could be 3.

Happy HNT sweetie ;)  

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Blogger Tricia said...

I'm just going to say it's hot!
Phew!

HHNT!  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Oh no! It's that old guy again! You could grow a great big beard and look like one of those scary Eyetolly people! "Whereever I go, folk say hello, where did you get that hat?" Hotboy  

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Blogger robmcj said...

barefoot - yes, doing HNT gives you a real picture of the world turning, the time zones moving in and then out of Thursday.  

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Blogger lime said...

D, all of the above!

hope you are having a wonderful time.

HHNT  

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

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Blogger Miss R said...

I'm going with 2, but 3 is totally feasible. 1 is just funny.  

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Blogger LEE ANN said...

I think as a hat, it would be adorable. You look wonderful. If this is a church behind you, it is gorgeous, I cannot wait to see more pictures. I hope you are having a fabulous time.
Happy HNT!
~xo  

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Blogger robmcj said...

there's some women here with very sick taste. ;)  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! Does this mean you've found some women who fancy you? And they're not inflatable? Run for it! They'll be cannibals. This is helpful advice, so it is! Hotboy  

~

Blogger Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say!

The likeness between yourself and this gentleman is uncanny.

MM III  

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Post a Comment

20 September 2006 at 17:48

das jet lag

It was a treat to log on here on the other side of the world and pick up my dear blogchums' comments. Life is definitely looking up, with no effort required from me. As a wise woman once counseled me to say to myself: "the universe is unfolding as it should". Mind you, the same person used to say "there are no 'shoulds' in the universe." I think she was setting me what the zen buddhists call a koan, a puzzle to be contemplated.

Wednesday morning here in an old Berlin apartment, in an area a bit like Glasgow's West End or Edinburgh's Stockbridge. I'm staying with Karin and her husband. I have known Karin since last century when we were both students, in Germany and Edinburgh. She and Christian are the most un-German Germans I have ever known, and it's lovely to be welcomed into their home for a few days before the main campaign.

Last night, 9 time-zones' worth of jet lag kept me awake most of the night, checking out the Berlin radio stations and bed-dancing. I also read Saul Bellow's first novel Dangling Man. Thank goodness it was a short book, his writing was starting to cancel out my bliss-medication. Martin Amis was a buddy of his, so I had thought it might be enjoyable.

I've got an internet PC in my bedroom, so there's only one reason I need to go out today - to take a Berlin HNT picture.

But first there's time to visit my chums' blogs. What a fortunate creature I am, even if the krautkeyboardis a nightmare and Blogger's all in German.



PS - The unique and ubiquitous lee ann has kindly agreed to become a co-editor of this blog, and will retrieve any half-worthwhile drafts in the event that the assassins get to me here. So my message will live on, whatever it is.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Fancy staying with Rosa Luxemburg! How times have changed. Your comment thing was knackered earlier. Congratulations on getting Lee Ann to be a co-editor, whatever that means. But it's bound to help! Hotboy p.s. Are you going to speak German when you accept the award for RaBlissBook? And do the goosestepping onto the stage.  

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Blogger LEE ANN said...

I think it is amazing having survived 9 time zones. I hate it when I do the bed dancing. I did that a bit last night too.
I cannot wait to see a German HNT!

I should say I am the fortunate creature to be co-editor here, although it means nothing, because you will be home safe and sound on your regular schedule!

I will check back....
Happy HNT!
~xo  

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19 September 2006 at 06:07

das itinerary

Found a free internet PC in Vienna airport, to check some blogchum blogs. 2 flights gone, one to go.

Thanbks to my recurring NPD, I decided to post my itinerary, in case the next plane plummets:

---------------------------------

AIR DALY WATERS - DW 1
SUN 17SEP MCDONALD ISLAND INTERNATIONAL - SYDNEY AT 1450 1610

AUSTRIAN - OS 2
MON 18SEP SYDNEY NS VIENNA AT 1650 0610
DURATION 21:20

SYDNEY NS -KUALA LUMPUR
KUALA LUMPUR -VIENNA
EQUIPMENT: BOEING 777-200/200ER
SEAT 01G NO SMOKING CONFIRMED

AUSTRIAN - OS 271
TUE 19SEP VIENNA AT BERLIN TEGEL DE 0730 0850
VIENNA INTL TEGEL
NON STOP DURATION 1:20
NON SMOKING
FLIGHT OPERATED BY VO TYROLEAN AIRWAYS
EQUIPMENT:FOKKER 100


---------------------------------

As you can see, I cashed in my British Airways ticket at the last minute, and rebooked with a different airline, in an attempt to avoid the jinx. My neighbour said to me last week "if your number's up, there's nothing you can do about it." Yet he's a cop, and makes a living out of preventing people's number coming up.

If anyone wants to make some money from the National Enquirer or the News Of The World, by showing them the recent posts that prove that I was given a prophecy by the clairvoyant, it's all yours. Sell to the highest bidder.

Later:

Bad news for fortune hunters - I have just survived the third flight too. What was I so worried about? I'm glad it's over. Now I can start worrying about the return flights next month.

I'm now at my old bunker in Berlin, which has been turned into das easyinternetcafe.com, a sort of electronic Starbucks franchise.

The flights were just amazing! As you might expect by now, there were upsides and downsides, keeping everything balanced overall.

Downside: Weeks of post-viral malaise blew out into depression.

Upside: The partner gave me a lovely card at the airport,

Downside: when I opened the card in the plane I nearly wept.

Upside: one effect of traversing so many time zones is that you hit one mealtime after another. Between Monday evening and Tuesday morning, I ate 5 full meals (two of them were 5 courses).

Downside: the cabin crew kept waking me with more food and drink.

Upside: I won´t need to eat again today. I can blow the food money on internet.

But the best upside of all was this - because I`m in this country at the invitation of some former high-ranking staff, I travelled business class and billed it all to them. And you should see the long-haul business class seats. The`re full of electric motors, and infinitely adjustable right down to a full-length bed! When they've finished feeding you the five courses plus chocolate and liqueurs, then you press the button to convert to a bed, and they come and tuck you up under a blanket. Even the womb was never this good. There`s even a button that makes the bed start massaging you. Of course it could never be as good as a real massage (e.g. one of keda's astral projection rub-downs), but it sure beats sitting bolt upright for 23 hours in the sewage class cabin.

If I was rich enough, I'd just travel the world on an infinite round-the-world business class fare. Rich people aren't any better than the rest of us, but I noticed one difference:

Normally, when you're in an economy-class toilet on a long trip, people rattle the handle and bang on the door, even though the wee sign states quite clearly "Occupied". They're suffering from Retention Defecit Disorder. Sometimes a proletarian with a poor toilet-training history even tries to kick the door down while you're in there.

Business class people never do that. They hold their bladders and wait patiently. Deferred gratification is what separates the middle class from the animals.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Well done for surviving all the meals and arriving safely in the Fatherland!For a whole month? Shame they turned your old bunker into an internet cafe! Still once you've goosestepped about a bit, you can start barking out some orders. That should help! Hotboy  

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Blogger Eric said...

I've always wanted to visit Berlin. I would definitely take a stroll through the parks in the city. Funny how all the words are grouped together in German...have a greatfrigginpartytillyoupassout vacation...  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

That flight sounds amazing! I want to experience that!
I hope you have a wonderful time! Keep us posted.  

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Blogger ion said...

Leave a flower for me at Rosa Luxemburg's memorial on the canal in the Tiergarten, if you have time. And make sure to fortify yourself with some fine Weissbier.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

my dear blogchums, it's a treat to log on here on the other side of the world and pick up your comments - life is looking up. Or as a wise woman once counseled me to say to myself: "the universe is unfolding as it should". Mind you, the same person used to say "there are no 'shoulds' in the universe."  

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Post a Comment

17 September 2006 at 08:41

a narrow escape

A couple of posts ago, I observed that whenever two people in a disaster movie say "I love you" to each other, one of them will be killed.

The very next day, I farewelled my boss before going on leave, and she said "I love you." Not only was I embarrassed, I knew that if I completed the verbal transaction (what George Costanza calls the "I-love-you-return") , one of us was dead, probably the one going on all the planes tomorrow. So I walked off, pretending I hadn't heard her.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! What! Your boss told you she loved you and you just did .... zilch! Walked away! I told someone that once and I didn't believe it and it's done my head in ever since. This is no shallow comment. At least, you could have said: I love you too, babes, like Jack Nicholson did in that movie. You didn't even acknowledge this at all! Dearie me! Okay, send her to the hut! This person definitely requires serious physical counselling. The ropes are still there from when you're maw ran off! The residue helps! Hotboy  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

Wow, that sure was friendly of your boss! I am not sure what I would do if my boss said he loves me.
Wow....
I love the reference to George Costanza. That sounds exactly like something he would say "I-love-you-return".

I don't think I would have responded either!
You will have a safe trip....I know you will!
oh yeah..."I love you"!!!!!
*giggle*
haha ;)  

~

Blogger ion said...

If we say "I hate you", will it break the jinx :)? You'll be back safe and sound with your sleep diary, I am quite sure. Bumblebees (Bombus) aren't supposed to be able to fly either, but quite clearly they do, all the time.  

~

Blogger keda said...

oh my god! your boss is trying to kill you??? that's awful.

you did the right thing clearly, don't give her the pleasure. sneeky little snot brain.
outrageous.

thats it, you've got to live now just to spite her.  

~

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig? George Constanza? BTW it could have been a hallucination due to you not meditating. Maybe it's the pills. Can I have some? I love you. I love you. I love you. That would help! Hotboy  

~

Blogger Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say!

Apologies for my tardiness in posting. Touch of the big 'M' over the last two weeks. More or less partially recovered now, except that I think the producers of Fansidar should give more adequate warning about the side effects of taking their products along with a stiff MGT.

WRT one of your previosu postings about HotBoy, did Billy Bunter ever celebrate the occasion of his fourtieth birthday?

I do believe that malaria may be the biggest killer disease in the world. It didn't get me this time, though. It got my dear friend and associate M.O'D though, some time back.

I say! What are you and your boss doing pledging yourselves to each other in eternity?

I have no boss anymore. I refuse to report to anyone, nowadays.

I once had a magnificent boss whose nickname was "Attila the Hun in Designer Clothes". My goodness, she was a decent boss! Dressed well, as well.

One should always keep up appearances. It's half the battle, is what I say.

MM III  

~

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! Okay? Ask yourself some simple questions. Are you heterosexual? Does your boss have a beard? Is she a WOMAN? Has a woman said, "I love you" to you and then you walked away without responding at all. Can I write the screenplay? Sorry, this is no help at all! Hotboy
p.s. A couple of girls told me they loved me, but they were only trying out the words. Was this a mature, grown up woman who said this to you? Mnnn? Please present her with my email address and tell me what her immediate response is. Better a rebound than nothing!  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Ziggy! Right, so you sit down in the company of this Josephine, and she spontaneously comes over and starts rubbing your shoulders, and that kind of thing always happens. Like, she wants to touch you all the time. And every time you do something stupid, she stands by your shoulders and says: I love you. I just love you. Well done for walking away from that, Adolf! Well done! You deserve to die! Hotboy  

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Blogger robmcj said...

Hotters and Mingers - if she was drop-dead gorgeous, would I have walked away? She's what you'd call a very nice person. She has some weird idea that I'm an honourable man. If she ever saw this blog ...  

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Post a Comment

16 September 2006 at 06:24

new book

As Southern Hemisphere agent for the books of John McKenzie, I have my finger on the pulse of the book-buying market here in the UnHeard Of Islands. For a long time I had been pleading with him to rip off Irvine Welsh or J. K. Rowling, two top-selling Edinburgh authors. Or if he couldn't do that, I wanted him to write something more postmodern and self-referential.

Well, now he's combined all three of my suggestions in his new book. It's a sort of Billy Bunter in Edinburgh, with the author chatting knowingly over the reader's shoulder. Brilliant ploy! This book can't fail. Even the gratuitous Buddhist jargon in the story is a selling point nowadays (look at all the made-up words the poor reader is forced to wade through in Lord Of The Rings and Harry Potter).

I am proud to have been involved in the inspiration and planning of this book, and I ask for no reward except the usual 10% off the top.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! So you haven't read it then! Doesn't matter. We'll go fifty fifty on all Unheard of sales until you make a million! Tell you what, you can take over the authorship as well. I'll be your Bernie Taupin, the guy who writes the lyrics for Elton John! You have to whistle while you make me rich, or at least as rich as you. We could clean up! Hotboy p.s. Get the band aid nudie photie on the cover. A big selling point.  

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Blogger Lelly said...

According to a site "I've" discovered I facially resemble J. K. Rowling by 60%. (You can find a link to the site ON MY LATEST POST)
Do you think I could sue for facial plagiarism? Most amused that Hotboy feels he has to explain who Bernie Taupin is!
(have you missed me?)
Very entertaining HNT, btw (as always)  

~

Blogger Lee Ann said...

You and hotboy are both an inspiration to me!  

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Blogger robmcj said...

HB - I have indeed read some of it, and would have gone on to page 3 if the houseguest, vomiting etc. hadn't intervened.

I am indeed rich, in the sense of having everything I need, except my own private bomb-proof jet.

lelly - of course you've been missed. I thought you'd given up the blogosphere. If JK Rowling's older than you, she might sue you for facial plagiarism. She could do with the money.

lee ann - as far as I'm concerned it's a mutual admiration society. Nothing wrong with that.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

I tried that site in a comment at Lee Ann's place. I look like Brian Dennehy, and loads of other people I've never heard of but who are not exactly famous for their beauty. I'm just happy to be recognisably human.  

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Post a Comment

14 September 2006 at 07:46

HNT race against time with handprint

BACKGROUND: According to USA Today, Germany is home to about 900 members of Hezbollah.

Germany's refusal to take part in the U.S.-led war in Iraq used to reassure Germans that Islamic terrorists would focus elsewhere. "We didn't fight in Iraq, and until now we assumed that if we behaved well in the world, nothing would happen to us," said one woman. Until now, Hezbollah has ordered its people not to engage in terrorist attacks in Germany, according to a public report by the intelligence agency for the state of North Rhine-Westphalia.

But the two train bombers arrested in Germany recently were Lebanese. A Middle East expert and government policy consultant said, "Germany did not call for an immediate cease-fire (during Israeli attacks) in Lebanon, and that was disappointing in the Arab world. Some radical forces now think Germany should be punished."



Decades ago, a friend persuaded me to have my palm read by a clairvoyant. At the time, I treated the whole thing as a laugh, a bit like a visit to the circus. So I can only remember three things that the clairvoyant said:

  1. I would get very sick around age 33, but I would recover. True!
  2. I wouldn't be rich, but I would never run out of money. True!
  3. I would die suddenly, at the age I am now.
Well, 2 out of 3 isn't too bad. The last one can't be true, because here I am, alive and well and about to go on holiday to the fatherland. By plane. Six planes, actually. British Airways. Through London Heathrow. In Germany, I'll be travelling by train. What could possibly go wrong? Can anyone read palms?



For security reasons, I have shrunk my handprint to hide most of the details. I know somebody who would just love to stick a thumb tack in my lifeline.



Last Christmas someone gave me Robert Fisk's ironically-titled The Great War for Civilisation: The Conquest of the Middle East. It's a huge book, so I have just been staring at it since Christmas, wondering when I'll have time to read it. Recently I thought I'd try and read it before I'm obliterated. That way, at least I might better understand why.

In the last 2 months I have read the first 100 pages. That leaves just 1300 more pages to read in the next 4 days, before I fly to London. I don't think I'm going to make it.

Perhaps I should give up on the book, and go to the movies instead. What's showing just now? United 93. That should help take my mind off things.



Have you noticed how some bloggers are gradually losing the will to blog? I can't blame them.

The world wide mess makes it hard sometimes to see the point of anything. Things have even got so bad that I've decided to double my medication. That should help. Even if I have to stay on it for the rest of my life, I've got 2 packets left. Plenty.

Of course, one of the side-effects of the drug is that you can't ejaculate. For most of my life I had the opposite problem. Everything's balancing up. I already achieved lifetime membership of the mile-high club long ago (solo division).

HNT_1

If you missed previous HNTs, you can access all the old half baked thursday posts here.

Blogger keda said...

now i'm only going to say this once and in my Sharpest Voice Possible..

"i demand that you live, return, and get a repeat prescription.."

well you can scrub the last one actually.. finish the book instead. i think everyone should play doubles on a plane once at least before they die.. so that's another good reason to live and return, so there!

and, AND, i always hated that in disaster movies as a kid that the bearded bloke and the black bloke always died first.. my dad had a beard. no fair said i.
so i also demand you tell your partner you love her and prove the buggers wrong on that one too.

its your duty man. and besides, you really don't want me to get cross now do you?  

~

Blogger Px said...

nice print...cunnung idea, i've not done things like that for a while, tried to do it with my daughter recently, but she didn't quite grasp the idea to be honest lol

HHNT  

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Blogger robmcj said...

keda, you're a trooper through and through. Assuming I survive at least the outward flight, I'll be blogging the stultifying small town German life. Will you post from the States?

px - er, exactly which thing did you do with your daughter?  

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Blogger Isolde said...

well. Be safe, willya?
HHNT.  

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Blogger LEE ANN said...

I am sick to death of war and terrorism. Everyone should live by the "Golden Rule". Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Wow, your reading was pretty good. Let's hope she had a glitch in your palm for the last prediction.

I hope you have a wonderful trip. I would hate to fly that much...my stress level would be way up. Be safe.

Double your meds? Are you sure?
Lucky you for being a member of the mile high club. I would like to become a member someday, but I dislike the flying part of it! ;)

Happy HNT sweetie!
~xo  

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Blogger Spitfire said...

here is what I have to say...in my hangover stupor...

I can remote view you if I want - your hand looks like mine..

when you curl it, it makes an M right?

Shaddup everyone, I am a total flake...

I read palms to freak out my coworkers, never professionally.

I read five books on how to do it, what the lines mean, etc.

It is interesting shit.

Oh, and uh, you are now getting on planes?

*raises eyebrow*

Just know that if you don't you can *make* your own doomsday happen....best not to know about the future, doll.  

~

Blogger Sexy Duet said...

Heh, we all have to go sometime but who wants to know when its going to be. I am sure your time is not now - have a fantastic trip. Happy HNT!

Ms SD  

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Blogger Suze said...

Rob, you'll be around for years yet don't believe a word of it! Great post very orginal.

Have a good time in Germany and bring me back a sausage. LOL

Happy HNT sweetie ;)  

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Blogger barefoot_mistress said...

I already achieved lifetime membership of the mile-high club long ago (solo division)....

Heh! HHNT Mate!  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Somebody told me what the series Lost is about. You start by flying from the Unheard of Island and crash into The Lost World. Everyone will think you've been eaten up by prehistoric monsters, but you'll have much more fun than going back to the Fatherland! Remember The Alamo! That should help! Hotboy  

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Blogger lime said...

i agree with keda....go, return, get more meds. live well! have a great trip

HHNT  

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Blogger Schadeboy said...

I don't think it's your time to go.

I hope it's not the pilot's time...

Planes and Tranes. All you need are a few automobiles and you'll have a great name for a movie.

Happy HNT!  

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Blogger Tricia said...

I'm imagining that handprint on my ass. Only bigger.

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Nice!  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! I think as the Chairperson of the Peoples Republic of my half of the Unheard of Island, I suggest we work out a communique to forestall the arrival of the suicide penguin battalion ... or at least get them to come to your half of the island. Well... maybe we should wait to see if you crash first. Two predictions out of three is quite good, don't you think? I'm impressed. It doesn't help! Hotboy  

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Blogger robmcj said...

lee ann - the flying is the easy part. Thanks for the good thoughts.

spitfire - thanks. As you say, I'm better not knowing any more.

suze - thanks to your HNT I know what kind of sausage to bring you.

tricia - I'll take that thought on the plane with me. You've made one man very happy.

HB - who will broker the truce? Please not Kofi again.  

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Blogger ion said...

I told my Morningside doc about the anorgasmia from the pills (which is well documented) and she was quite annoyed I would find that irritating. But then she's all velvet hairbands, pearls, labradors and jolly hockey-sticks. That side effect goes away quite quickly- be reassured.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

I had a Morningside doc once. She refused to refer me for a vasectomy. Mind you, I was only 17 at the time.  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

lee ann - I have deleted your last comment, to keep your email address confidential. Thanks.  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

So funny, you read my mind! You are a doll...thanks  

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Post a Comment

12 September 2006 at 12:39

i said it

Last night I watched The Path To 9/11, the TV drama. Not bad of its kind, and Harvey Keitel is always good. I learned a few things, e.g. the reason Clinton's cruise attack on Bin Laden in the late 1990s missed its target: Pakistani intelligence tipped Bin Laden off.

I also learned that whenever two people say "I love you" over the phone, one of them will be killed. Today I said "I love you" to my partner on the phone. That wasn't wise, when I'm getting on a plane soon.



Meanwhile, the dentist is seeing me again today at 4.45 for a last-minute root-canal job! Hooray! Another $600 spent. My mother would be proud of my deferral to the men in white coats. She won't scratch herself without a doctor's say-so.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! 600 dollars for the dentist! For that you'd expect the gorgeous assistant to suck the teeth right out of your head! Also, you should look on the positive side of getting blown up in a plane. You're so old you're practically a national monument anyway. How do you know your dentist isn't a terrorist? You could be the bomb! You'll feel daft getting blown up when you've just spend $600 dollars at the dentist. That's no help at all! Hotboy  

~

Blogger robmcj said...

It's called doing one's bit for the economy. But you're probably the first person ever to think of explosive dentures. If it comes to pass, expect the CIA knocking on your blog.  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! You're right. Exploding teeth is a good idea! How about exploding suppositories? There's another obvious one I'm too polite to mention! None of this helps at all! Hotboy  

~

Post a Comment

10 September 2006 at 08:05

some kind of conversion

I missed HNT last week. I worked all day and evening Thursday, despite running a fever due to having some kind of UnHeard Of virus. I made it back home, but just at my front door I had to drop to the ground and violently lose my dinner. The neighbours and the OCD house guest may have enjoyed watching or listening, but with my face in the dirt I wasn't in a position to notice. I was even too sick for HNT.



The house guest has finally left. I won't bore you by listing all the annoyances, let's just say she's a very nice person but I can't stand living in the same house as her. Some would say that means I'm not a nice person. In that case I'm now qualified to join the Bloggy Church of the Bad Boys.

But everything balances out, and on the plus side it has been good for me to be around someone more damaged than myself. Now I can imagine how some people could actually find me annoying.

As the house guest was leaving for the airport this morning, I tried to think of something genuinely nice to say about her lengthy stay here. So I thanked her for showing me last week how to cook a chicken in an oven roasting bag. And I told her how, after a British plane crash about 25 years ago, where most of the passengers died of smoke inhalation, there was much media discussion of how to prevent a repeat tragedy. Researchers recommended that passengers carry large turkey-roasting bags, and pop them over their heads if smoke fills the aeroplane. For a while, some air travellers (well me, at least) always kept a turkey bag in their hand luggage.

I thought the story would interest her, but from her reaction I could see it perhaps wasn't the best thing to tell someone about to get on a plane. My conversion to the Bad Boy Church is going more smoothly than expected.

I even managed to offend just about every blogvisitor this week, without even trying. Imagine what I could do if I really put my mind to it!

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! You're lucky she left when she did. You'd never have survived another week. What kind of poison do you think she was using? Hotboy p.s the turkey bag crack was good, but you should have really mentioned Alive or the United 93 one. How long have you got left anyway?  

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Blogger keda said...

that sounds like the kind of church i could join. you know just as long as i don't actually have to go, or contribute or study any thing or wear socks and sandals.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

HB - thanks for the mentoring, I should have thought of the films too. I'm still new to this bad boy religion. I think the poison was a cocktail of bleaches and toilet-cleaners. I feel curiously better now she's gone. And cleaner.

keda - nice to see you here. After my unintentional fatwa, I wouldn't have blamed you for boycotting this place.  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

I am glad you are feeling better. I wish I could have seen her reaction after you told her the plane story.
My grandpa used to visit but never stay longer than 3 days. He said a visitor and fish are the same in that they both start to smell after 3 days.
Hope you are having a good week so far!
~xo  

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Post a Comment

08 September 2006 at 20:24

what would you do?

In the previous post, I feared that my house guest would do one or other of two annoying things. Well, as keda prophesied, it ended up being both annoying things at once. What are the odds against that happening? Probably about as likely as being in a plummeting plane, and having a heart attack on the way down.

But enough of my holiday plans, here's some trivia:



During a recent survey, women were asked - "What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?" Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

"I would write my name in the snow."

"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"

"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."

"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

"I would measure it both ways."

"Pee off of a tall building."

"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

"I would treat women better with it."

"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."

"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."

"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

"See how many donuts I could carry with it."

"Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes!"

Blogger keda said...

heehee i love the last 2!!!
hahahaaaa

i actually had a fantastic dream when i was putting up my degree show my last year at art school.. where i woke up with a penis. at first i was completely horrified and wanted to do number 10.
but then i kinda got into it and had fun doing amost all the others.. except the last 2.
i'm going to will my psyche to redo the dream and try those next time. before i rush off and do number 10.

my favourite bit in my old dream was peeing all over the stack of thesies on my art history professors desk.

but i have to admit that having sort of experienced one for a day... those penis thingies are very hard to stop fiddling with. they are just so... out there :)  

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Blogger robmcj said...

keda - you could offer the dream to hotboy as a plot for his next book.  

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Blogger 212designs said...

yes yes yes...

but i'd have to get a bj,...

you know just to see what the big deal is...

lol  

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Blogger cinders said...

I saw a short indie film about four lesbians who cast a spell and all wake up with penises for a day, and run around trying to screw girls. For the life of me, I can't remember what it was called, and googling "short film lesbian penis" just yields too many results to sift through.  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! I see the castration complex has turned into something a bit healthier. Reminds me of 1984 and the boy saying, Give it to Julia, or whatever. I fancy another one, growing out of my forehead this time. If you had one growing out of each armpit, you'd never leave home. Hotboy  

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Blogger robmcj said...

212desi - there's no big deal, it's overrated. I'm with the fundamentalists on this.

cinders - they don't make em like that any more.

HB - how would that work, one in each armpit? You couldn't play with yourself, for one thing.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

keda - excuse me now, I need to rush off and do number 2. As one does.  

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Blogger ion said...

On the theme, may I recommend King Missile's 'Detachable Penis' for a listen.

http://hype.non-standard.net/search/detachable%20penis/1/  

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Blogger robmcj said...

LA - that's eerie. My grandfather used to say exactly the same thing! And he was right.

ion - thanks for the tip  

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Post a Comment

06 September 2006 at 08:55

please no thanks

There's a friend of a friend staying in my house this week. I could live with that, except that today she uttered the fateful words: "to thank you for having me, I'm going to cook you a special dinner tonight."

From experience, I know that can mean one of two things:

(1) They cake every kitchen surface and every dish and utensil with congealed fat and curry sauce, then leave the next day without cleaning up. Meanwhile, you're supposed to show gratitude.

or

(2) They spend the whole evening in the kitchen, but the cooking keeps getting interrupted by phoning their friends and family overseas, or telling you their life story while they get drunk on the wine they bought you. By 10 p.m. you're so hungry that your stomach starts digesting itself, but because they're apparently doing you a favour, you daren't be rude and rustle up something different for yourself to eat.

Which one will it be tonight? As you can see, I'm not good at being gracious.

But everything balances out. On the plus side, she is a hard core OCD case, so she has spent most of today on her knees in my bathroom, scrubbing away at 8 years' worth of scum, crud and hair.



(I found this picture at this HNT Taoist blog)



PS - the dentist has issued a reprieve for the tooth-pulling, and has given me antibiotics to take so I don't have to cancel my trip. Great news, though I was counting on him as my excuse for scrapping the visit to the Fatherland.

Sources acknowledged.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Heil! Well done in getting your guest to scub your toilet! Send her to this side of the island! Can she make soup without using bits of dead animals? If so, I'd like to propose marriage. It would help if she had a few bob. Hotboy p.s. I think the thought of the plummeting is ... well, it would get to me as well! Have you seen the start of the movie Alive? Brilliant! I've always stopped watching after that. Dead animals are bad enough!  

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Blogger robmcj said...

She's looking for a man, and she owns a winery in NZ. That's no good to you is it? It would be the end of the meditations.

If there's time, I will of course go to see United 93 before I go.  

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Blogger keda said...

i demand you edit your comment at mine! if you don't find some way of making that plummeting thing completely inoccuous (however the hell that's spelt!) i bloody will.

aaarrrgh. i hope she does both! just to get you back.
so there.  

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Blogger Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say!

Doviko is fully employed right now, otherwise I would advise that you send for him. He never uses the phone (to my knowledge), cleans up after he's cooked, and is not allowed to drink whilst on duty.

He is also a dab hand at cleaning toilets, ironing, etc.

MM III  

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Blogger Heather said...

Mental Note: Restaurants trump home cooking.

Mental Note 2: Dental problems make robmcj a crusty old fart.

;)

H  

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Blogger robmcj said...

Keda - Are you psychic? As it turned out, the OCD person actually did both the kitchen-messing and the starvation treatment.

I can't mess with history by editing the comment, but I see that your flight is much later than mine. Also, I'm returning on Friday 13th, so there's a good chance you'll end up missing all the excitement.

MM - hang onto Dovey.

Heather - dental or mental?  

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Blogger LEE ANN said...

I hope your meal turns out good.
I didn't know you had tooth problems. I hope that feels better soon. I know how bad that can be.

Enjoy the wine! ;)
~xo  

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Blogger ion said...

Byron was always sending servants off to friends, even though they weren't officially slaves. Hope the antibiotics are kicking in. Probably metronidazole, which means you'd be ill-advised to mix these with homebrew unless you enjoy spewing.
ion  

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Blogger MIA said...

OCD, hmmm maybe she can pull the tooth for you and then do a clean and polish on the rest.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

ion - being Scottish, I haven't got round yet to opening the packet of antibugs. I can take the pain, and it's a shame to waste them. Better to keep them in reserve. Thanks for the tip.

mia - she'd love that.  

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Post a Comment

04 September 2006 at 11:52

downside of atheism

Spirits much improved now. The physio lady with the brain tumour says she's in fear a lot of the time. Now I know what she means, and I'm not even dying.

Hotboy sent me the new novel, which I have downloaded at work so they'll find it on my computer after the plummeting, and get him some free publicity. Everything balances out. It's set in a school. I have always liked schoolboy adventures, this one is kind of Billy Bunter by Irvine Welsh. I'm enjoying it much more than Harry Snotter. Mind you, that's not saying much.

Hotboy was asking when my trip takes off. The NPD will compel me to blog the full flight details and itinerary soon. But first there's the cancer dentist boy to see. He might even perform a tooth-pulling and 6 weeks of oxygen treatment in a diving chamber (like last time), thus providing me with the perfect excuse to postpone the collateral damage flight! Everything balances out!


There's a site where you can get official diagnosis of your religion:

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

You are an atheist. You probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul.

Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God.

atheism

96%

Satanism

79%

Buddhism

67%

agnosticism

67%

Islam

54%

Judaism

46%

Hinduism

46%

Paganism

46%

Christianity

25%

Blogger keda said...

oh babe. i'm sorry about your friend. and that you're still not tip top.
but more than that even i sometimes get annoyed that god doesn't exist.
just because if he did he'd deserve a right good talking to.
i'd like to give that purely fictional but highly bloody annoying entity a piece of my mind. and its not one of the best bits.

thinking of you. still sending light. and some swear words skyward.
i'll do the test later*  

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Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! The fear of personal annihilation is within us ...yes, it is! That's why you've got to get rid of the "false sense of self". That's what the juju is for. The Hyperbaric (?) chamber is right up my street! You could meditate in there except you don't meditate. I'm a atheist and a buddhist, by the way. Also a christian. Atheists are like the joe with his toes up to the edge of the cliff looking down into the abyss of personal annihilation. You should join my Amazing Bloggy Church of the Bad Boy Blissheid. It would solve all your problems for ten percent off the top! That would help. Hotboy  

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Blogger robmcj said...

keda you're a sweetie.

HB - I so agree, atheism has to be combined with something else, like Taoism, otherwise it's intolerable. The hyperbaric chamber's actually quite a buzz. Pure oxygen at 3 atmospheres. One spark from a nylon pantaclava and we're all barbecued, with the flavour sealed in. Try blissing your way through that.

But barring accidents and black spots, they say you'd live forever on the effects of the oxygen.  

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Blogger Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say!

I was 100% Jedi religion!

Chin up.

MM III  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

I scored as Christianity.

Your views are most similar to those of Christianity. Do more research on Christianity and possibly consider being baptized and accepting Jesus, if you aren't already Christian. Christianity is the second of the Abrahamic faiths; it follows Judaism and is followed by Islam. It differs in its belief of Jesus, as not a prophet nor historical figure, but as God in human form. The Holy Trinity is the concept that God takes three forms: the Father, the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Ghost (sometimes called Holy Spirit). Jesus taught the idea of instead of seeking revenge, one should love his or her neighbors and enemies. Christians believe that Jesus died on the cross to save humankind and forgive people's sins.

Christianity 75%
Islam 67%
Buddhism 42%
Judaism 38%
Paganism 38%
Hinduism 21%
atheism 13%
agnosticism 8%
Satanism 8%

Interesting!  

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Blogger robmcj said...

LA - are you going to consider baptism, like it says?

MM - 100%!  

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Blogger Eric said...

I guess I'm a paganistic atheist...


atheism 88%
Paganism 83%
Islam 71%
Satanism 67%
Buddhism 63%
Judaism 54%
agnosticism 38%
Hinduism 33%
Christianity 29%  

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Post a Comment

01 September 2006 at 15:43

sick leave

This post's LeeAnnesque.

Some years ago, to highlight poor spelling skills in the Australian workplace, a report was compiled, listing reasons given by employees for taking sick leave.

Classic examples included "removal of aviaries", "early stages of Parking Disease", "undescended tentacles", and "migrant headaches."

The report also listed 25 different spellings of diarrhoea.



I spent an hour weeding today. Nothing like a bit of scrambling around in the earth to lift the spirits. The pills are kicking in, and I smiled several times today. I'm looking forward to reading two great new novels on the plane, by Irvine Welsh and another Scots guy. What a fortunate creature I am!

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! I haveny been able tae spell since Ah started bloggin'. Before that, Ah wis awright. Ma avaries were in place; my headaches had migrated yonks ago; and my car didny have any Parkinsigns on it. I think I need some help with my etymologies now though. Hotboty  

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Blogger MIA said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

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Blogger MIA said...

I've been an executive manager for a pharma company for my entire career. You should see what my employees come up with. Undiscovered diseases, nooo, they can't have a simple case of gout.
great blog, thanks for checking ot mine  

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Blogger keda said...

weeding always cheers me up.
hotboy made me chuckle out loud too.
blogging's terrible for spelling. i do it always in such a rush.. can be very embarrassing when i finally read through (after i've posted of course).

so who's the other scots guy? i'm rather partial to scots authors generally :)  

~

Blogger Lee Ann said...

Yes, you did do a post that would resemble something that I would do. Thank you Rob, you are always so sweet to me.
I think anytime I do yardwork, I feel better afterwards. Most likely because I am not doing it anymore.
Hope you have a great trip!
~xo  

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Blogger rob said...

keda - John McKenzie  

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