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20 July 2006 at 19:35

HNT - trust, chocolate, etc.

Someone asked me the other day "hey rob, what's happened to your Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Are you cured?"

Well no, I'm not. And to prove I'm still a victim of NPD, here's another self-indulgent true story (but remember every true story contains a wee lie.) And there's an HNT pic at the end.

Once upon a time, in another century and in another country, I had an entanglement with the nation's darling. Here's how it happened.

For years I had been living with Angie, a good woman but not the woman for me. Nor was I right for her. Not brave enough to separate, we were still living together but we were very remote from each other, and we lived celibately. But Angie had stuck by me through very tough times, and I wasn't about to repay her loyalty by doing the dirty on her. So, although I enjoyed having several women friends, I was scrupulously celibate.

For instance, I went on holiday overseas with a woman friend). I squared it first with Angie, assuring her that there would be no funny business on the holiday. Perhaps I was naive, but when we got to the hotel and checked into a twin room and the friend leapt on me expecting a week of illicit sex, I was shocked. What kind of a person would I have to have been, to assure Angie it was platonic then bonk behind her back?

Anyway, you get the picture - I ran my life according to principles. It was my way of making the best of my life with Angie.



Then one day I fell under the spell of the nation's darling, and developed my new morning routine. I would get up when Angie came home from her night job, and we'd chat and have a cup of tea. Exhausted from work, she would then tumble into bed while it was still warm from me. And I would switch on breakfast TV just in time to watch the ND read her last bulletin.

Why do I call her "the nation's darling"? Well for a while, she was a national institution. All over the country, unemployed males with no real reason to get up in the morning would set their alarm clocks and drag themselves out of bed before dawn, simply to gape at the ND as she read the breakfast news headlines and weather forecast, in her uniquely fluffy and alluring way.


Artist's impression of the ND
supplied by Mamahog


At 9 a.m., the end-credits rolled across the screen, signalling three things: the end of the news; the start of kids' programmes; and the ND jumping in a taxi to appear at my house 10 minutes later, where we would spend the morning helping each other with our personal growth. No, that's not a euphemism ....

The ND would ring the doorbell, I would open the door ("Ssh! Don't wake Angie"), and this bubbly gorgeous intelligent person would come into my life for the day. What kind of things did we do, while Angie slept? We massaged each other. We did mutual counselling. Told stories. Went walking. I suppose we flirted, if that word means anything in this century. Went out for lunch. In the street, heads would turn, and I don't think it was me they were looking at.

She was very exciting company, sometimes too exciting for a man who had just recently had a brush with death and disability and was still emerging from the shock, and trying to get his health back. How can I put it? To use an Aussie saying, she had a few kangaroos loose in her top paddock.

Then my old man got cancer, and I visited him in the terminal ward. Self-centred as I was, all I could think of saying was "do the nurses let you watch the TV news? Look out for my friend the ND." Crazily, I wanted to add "I'm going to marry her (then you'll finally be impressed with me)."

Technically, the ND and I didn't ever consummate our relationship, partly due to my own suspicious nature and inability to trust someone so attractive and off-the-wall, who I knew had broken several hearts. And partly because of my old-fashioned reserve, self-control and notion of fidelity. Not to mention the impotence.

Looking back, I think she and I redefined the word platonic. For example, on the day my father died, while everyone else ran around arranging the funeral, the ND and I spent the afternoon naked on her floor, doing massage. That's one way to get over the death of a parent. Months later, we slept together in my father's house, scaring each other with spooky imagined sightings of his ghost. I bathed her and caressed her. I could go on, but you get the picture. And in my mind, I wasn't being unfaithful to Angie because I never had sex with the ND. Is that Clintonesque thinking?



Anyway, one day when I was telling the ND how important healthy eating and living was to me, in my recovery from cancer, she interrupted me and said "why don't you just relax and eat lots of chocolate?"

Stunned, I thought: how can I trust this woman any more? She wants me to eat junk. She just doesn't get it.

We drifted apart, and the last time I heard from her she was asking me to sign her out from the psychiatric ward (they wouldn't let her out otherwise). Maybe she trusted me because I was one of the few men who hadn't tried to eff her over.

Looking back now, I think perhaps in its own way her exciting friendship helped me start to really live again.

The point now is, I've stayed healthy by eating nothing but healthy food ever since. And I never eat sweets or burgers, or drink cola. That was until last week, when I bought a monster size bar of Cadbury's Fruit and Nut chocolate. And I ate just one bit every day. Now I'm up to half a bar a day, with plans to ramp that up further. But it's okay, because everything's just balancing out. For many years I never ate any chocolate; now I'm making up for lost time. I'm perfectly balanced.

I tried moving on to Cadbury's Flake.


But it's not for me. Flakes just crumble on the tongue and give up all they have to offer in one huge immediate hit, whereas I'm into deferred gratification. I like the Tantric taste of a square of cold hard chocolate, that melts slowly in your mouth to sustain the ecstasy.

What's your diagnosis?



PS - This is a freelance Taoist blog. Every true story contains a wee lie. The lie here is that the photo of the ND is not actually of the ND, but it's the closest image I could find, reproduced with permission from a blog post by the dazzling keda.

PPS - And every lie contains a grain of truth.

PPPS - What is the difference between the Iraq War and the Vietnam War?
Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.



HNT_1

If you missed previous HNTs, you can access all the old half baked thursday posts here.

Blogger hotboy said...

Adolf! Zeig! Don't tell me it was Sue Lawley! I had the hots for her when she was in Nationwide all those years ago. My druggie chums thought that was really weird! If you were rolling around naked on the carpet with her, I'd take my hat off to you! Don't tell me you don't have the photies! That would definitely help! Hotboy p.s. I'm not surprised she went mad. Brian Wilson turned someone into a lesbian by behaving like that!  

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Anonymous alastair said...

Frank Bough ?

In drag.

As apparently he often was.  

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Blogger Phain said...

very entertaining...and Keda as a bonus! *~*Happy HNT*~*  

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Blogger keda said...

i was about start complaining that i don't look anything like sue lawley... until i saw alastairs comment..

FRANK BOUGH IN DRAG?????????!!!!!

i look nothing like him. bloody cheek.

excellent story darling. fabulous :)  

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Blogger robmcj said...

hotboy, I had the Sue Lawley thing too. So prim yet knowing, carnal, mischievious. Was it the drugs we were on?

alastair - lol

I'll say this once. It's not Sue Lawley. And I'm too much of a gentleman to say any more on the subject.  

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Blogger WDKY said...

I don't think Keda looks anything like Eamonn Holmes, actually.  

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Blogger lime said...

lol. great story. since i don't know UK announcers i can only speak to the chocolate. i am quite the devotee. it's health food darling. antioxidants which are cancer fighters. flavonoids which are good for heart health. it also prevents plaque buildup on teeth. all in moderation of course. and the darker the choccy the better.

oh, and did i mentin that someday before i die i want to batje in a vat of melted chocolate... lol ok, weird, but i do.

HHNT  

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Blogger Bekah said...

Wow, interesting story. I don't know if I could do all those things with someone else and not be intimate with them. That would be a challange.

Happy HNT!  

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Blogger lecram sinun said...

Great write there my friend. I've had similar encounters like yours... and really am the better for it! Cheers and Happy Hnt!  

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Blogger Schadeboy said...

Being a full-blooded American Male Guy, I have no problem stating that I have no idea who you are referring to. And I have to also admit that I'm not very fond of Cadbury chocolate. But I do like Reese's a lot.

Happy HNT.  

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Blogger Lee Ann said...

Wow, That is a beautiful story Rob. If it is true, you are such an honorable man....If the story is not true, then it is a wonderful story!
I am into deferred gratification as well!
Happy HNT!
looks yummy
~xo  

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Blogger robmcj said...

lecram - tell us about it

lee ann - it's all true except the picture is of keda. I didn't even have the good sense to take some compromising photos.  

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Blogger robmcj said...

lime - I have the same desire, but in a bath of custard.  

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Blogger keda said...

and i still look nothing like frank bough!

(i do also have a similar story about a now famous actor.. good memories) maybe one day i'll spill.

yes please do scan and mail me a couple of the best pages from the neck book.

mamahog@gmail.com cheers babe.  

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Anonymous alastair said...

aaarghh

my jest about frank bough was a guess at your breakfast newsreader chum

of course it was not a comment on the picture of the beautiful keda

as one of those males who gaped at the nation's darling, I know who your mystery gal is - she was very beautiful - but not quite as dishy as keda

am I forgiven??  

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Blogger Suze said...

Very interesting post. I'm sorry to be late to the party. I came over yesterday and your page would not load properly, the comments part of the page did not display.

Today it took an age to load but I got there in the end. I think there could be a problem with rendering in IE version 6.

Happy Belated HNT sweetie ;)  

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Blogger robmcj said...

alastair - it's keda's call. BTW, can you keep the identity under your hat? Or rather keda's hat.

suze - yes, there's always been an intermittent IE problem, or rather my page's problem under IE. I've given up trying to fix it, and am now counting on IE v 7. Till then, doing a minimize/maximize will bypass the bug. My apologies meantime.  

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Blogger keda said...

you called me dishy!! definately forgiven ;)  

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Blogger Lelly said...

WIERD!!! In a bid to get your comments I clicked and scrolled on your page and your pic of (the extremely lovely) Keda turned into that photie of you with the stitches round your neck!
I agree with Lime, you really should regard chocolate as a health food and Cadbury's is FAR superior to Reeces (eeeurgh) Although as Lime said the really good-for-you stuff is 70 - 80% cocoa mass with no dairy(eeeurgh...far too sophisticated for my common taste-buds!) 'Green & Blacks' is a good brand.
Was it Ulrika-ka-ka??? Can see a similarity with Keda )although Keda-da-da is far more beautiful and MUCH younger)Was it? Was it???  

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Blogger Lelly said...

I've spelt wierd/weird wrong again, haven't I?  

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Blogger robmcj said...

lelly - because I share your affliction, I can't judge which spelling is right without looking it up. I agree that the hard stuff is unbearable. Fruit and Nut is my favourite so far, but I'm still learning.  

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Blogger Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say!

Bloger is having one of its 'days'. Just left a comment, but it went into the abyss.

"..when we got to the hotel and checked into a twin room and the friend leapt on me expecting a week of illicit sex, I was shocked." Absolutely the expected reaction from a gentleman like yourself.

It wasn't Reggie Bosanquet, by any chance, was it?

I was reading the other day about the time when he couldn't complete the news after reading out a story about a cat rescued from up a tree by the army, as the fire brigade was on strike at the time. Unfortunately, the army truck ran the cat over when it left the scene.

Sad story. No wonder he couldn't continue.

MM III  

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Blogger Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say!

"...when we got to the hotel and checked into a twin room and the friend leapt on me expecting a week of illicit sex..."

Forgive me for dwelling on this one, but isn't there a missing thread here? What happened to the lady in question?

MM III  

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Blogger robmcj said...

MM - I thought you'd got caught up in a trouble spot somewhere. Yes, there is a whole nother thread there, but I thought my verbiage was already stretching the goodwill of my esteemed visitors. Good Reggie story. Wonder if there's any Reggie video footage on the cybersphere.  

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your are Excellent. And so is your site! Keep up the good work. Bookmarked.
»  

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