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15 April 2005 at 12:11

sizes in everything

When I first moved to the UnHeard and McDonald Islands, I noticed that some things here are manufactured too big to fit. At least too big for the average emaciated immigrant who grew up on the Scottish diet, whisky and cigs.

Why is this? Well, it's true that the average UnHeardian male body size is one of the largest in the world: the diet of children here was high in protein, at least in the years pre-McFood. And children who played a lot of sport tended to grow up big. But it’s also partly about the mainstream male self-image. For example, the average man likes to believe he’s blessed with a gigantic penis, so UnHeardian-made condoms are tailored to a larger physique, and are hard to keep on for the rest of us. And who's going to complain publicly?

Similarly for UnHeardian socks: unless you enjoy the sensation of walking on several folds of sock crumpled inside your shoe, you need to buy kids’ socks; but in this case the reason can't be anything sexual, and is more likely due to one-size-fits-all manufacturing.

Mercifully, in recent years a flood of imports from China and South East Asia has brought smaller sizes into the shops. Recently I bought adults' socks that actually fit. And in a pharmacy you can now choose between "Asian" and "UnHeardian" condom brands and sizes. "Asian" sounds more dignified than asking for the small size.

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